Near the end of the first act of Thornton Wilder’s most famous play, two characters discuss the address on an envelope and how it frames their place in the world. The instructions to the postman start from their house and go on to list ever more encompassing labels—their county, their state, their hemisphere—up to and finally including the omniscient consciousness of a higher power. In so doing, the dialogue frames and reinforces the smallness of this all-American every-town even while juxtaposing it against the fullness of possibility and promise in the wider world.
If you, like Becky, have never seen or read Our Town and are frantically googling it in order to co-write understand this newsletter, the point is that the community where it’s set is meant to be a microcosm. It’s tiny. Its population is 2,642. Alexandria—it must be forcefully and repeatedly stated—is a city of 158,309. We are not a bedroom community (though some use us as such), we are not a suburb (though some treat us as such), and we are not a small town (though some imagine us as such). We are not Grover’s Corners.
Alexandria is a city of 158,309. That’s double the attendance at Burning Man (with just as many land use concerns and only slightly less flooding). Understanding our size and our nature is a necessary precondition to an honest dialogue about both the opportunities we have before us as well as the challenges we face.
To be fair, it’s understandable why some residents might harbor the impression that Alexandria is a quaint village. We gossip and get in each other’s business an awful lot for a municipality of our size; it can feel like everyone knows everyone to an extent that’s borderline incestuous, while cliquish groups of overly-involved busybodies do their darnedest to impose their will on everyone else. Stated more generously, we have a very strong sense of community.
But—repeat it with us this time—the population of Alexandria is 158,309. We’re not a small town. We’re just not! We can get away with all the big-city shit that Jason Aldean warned people not to try in his rural hamlet. And not only are we not a small town population-wise, we’re not isolated like one either. We’re smack-dab in the middle of a world capital’s metropolitan area. There are no walls separating us from the millions of other people who live in the DMV. As a city staffer memorably said at a zoning meeting earlier this summer, we are not a terrarium (a statement that we desperately want to print on a T-shirt).
City Council is back in session this week after its summer break, and it’s gearing up to deal with some pretty weighty issues: developing new policies to house people and help them move around the city more efficiently, fixing and maintaining critical infrastructure, addressing crime, and most importantly, recognizing September as national service dog month. We can’t let a small-town mindset dictate how we tackle these important concerns. The service dogs deserve better than that.
So let’s embrace the city we have—vibrant and diverse and more than a little messy—instead of fighting any and all proposed changes that acknowledge the reality around us. Honestly, we should count ourselves lucky. Unlike the residents of Grover’s Corners (a fictional place we’ve all definitely heard of), we don’t need to look to the wider world for the fullness of possibility and promise- it’s right here.
Things You May Have Missed Because You Have a Life
A picture by an Alexandrian won the 2023 Washington Post travel photo contest, and shockingly it wasn’t any of the mayor’s blurry cellphone pics of public transit systems in random European countries.
Old Town residents are “riled up” over a proposed four-story building. Also riling up Old Town residents: irreverent comments about Founding Fathers, vehicles with two wheels, sounds louder than 10 decibels.
Big fucking milkshakes? Big fucking milkshakes.
Some of the plans for the Landmark Mall redevelopment project have been released, and they include pickleball courts. In related news, Jesse is selling his house and moving to the West End.
City Council is considering updating its rules to allow special events two weekends in a row. Has anyone consulted the Fun Police about this? Sounds like a potential Footloose violation. Can somebody get Kevin Bacon to weigh in the next time he plays the Birchmere?
Local Discourse Power Rankings
Bike Lanes (Last week: 4). Inspired, no doubt, by the commentary last week in this very newsletter, the city has stepped up the pace of bike infrastructure announcements, and the pissing and moaning stepped right up with them. You may have thought the proposed bike lane on King Street near Bradlee Center is a long overdue safety measure along one of the city’s hardest to navigate stretches of (non) sidewalk, but no, this bike lane is actually the opening salvo in a secret effort to turn Robcyns into low-income housing. But that’s not all! They’re also taking a look at adding safety modifications to a stretch of road in North Old Town. When will the madness end?? We bet while you were reading this the city added a bike lane to your bathroom. Go check if you don’t believe us! And look: while you stepped away, they added a bike lane down the middle of your computer keyboard!!! We hope you’re very, very mad about your friends and neighbors being safer. We sure are.
Politicians Eating Lunch (Last week: NR). So Glenn Youngkin passed through Alexandria late last week, and while doing so stopped for lunch at a local restaurant. Based on how this was discussed… we’re concerned that some of you have never been hungry in the middle of the day before? Yes, he is a tall goober. Yes, he woke up on third base one day and decided this might make him president. Yes, he seems to think just saying the word “parents” while wiggling his eyebrows suggestively is some kind of substantive theory of political action. But no, it is not breaking omerta to serve the man lunch. Sometimes a pork sandwich is just a pork sandwich, everyone keep your pants on.
You Idiots Are Doing This Road Wrong (Last week: 2): It turns out, even when roads are done right, if you celebrate that non-wrong road it will trigger YIADTRW accusations. Act like you’ve been there before, or whatever, we guess! Online commenters were simply aghast at the absolute gall of these city officials gathering to celebrate the repair and reopening of the (previously genuinely decrepit) Glebe Road bridge between Alexandria and Arlington. How dare they recognize a successful investment of public dollars to meet a cross-jurisdictional need! It says here that the celebration was held at [squints closely at note card] Pizza Hut? Really? [clears throat] Pizza Hut. [Becky looks directly into the camera like Jim on The Office]
Rosh Hashanah (Last week: NR). This weekend marks the start of the Jewish high holidays–shana tova to everyone celebrating. Except not shana tova to the various organizations around town that—we can only assume—just woke up Rip-Van-Winkle-like in 2023 after being asleep for 3,000 years and had never before encountered the existence of this holiday. A lot of official shit got scheduled this weekend! Soccer games, civic events... listen, we get it. In our busy modern lives we can’t accommodate every event around every schedule and there is always going to be some push and pull. But man, does it seem like in this case a whole lot of people could have made just slightly more of an effort to read a calendar and talk to their Jewish friends.
Zoning Reform (Last week: 1). Everyone loves the zoning proposals and we’re all done talking about it and we can all go home happy! [Mission Accomplished banner crookedly falls from the ceiling behind us]. Oh, that’s not what’s happening? Well damn. Anyway - the next official public meeting to discuss the proposal is tonight (like, right now, while you’re reading this) so we’ll have to wait and see what comes out of tha-[confetti cannons go off in the background] ok ok, we know, we’re trying to fix it.
Alexandria’s Hottest Club Is… Yards
Ah, September: that confusing time of year when the calendar tells us to get outside and enjoy autumn’s crisp bounty, but the near-constant Biblical deluges, rampaging DEET-resistant mosquito hordes, and late-season heat waves that dare to ask the question “what if hell, but soupy?” require us to remain hermetically sealed in the safety of our homes.
Nevertheless, our local government is encouraging us to dream of a time when outdoor leisure is not only climatically possible but also aesthetically pleasurable. The Alexandria Beautification Commission (a thing this city has, because of course we fucking do) recently announced the residential winners of its 2023 Beautification Awards. These yards have everything: native plants, non-invasive plants, large shrubberies, medium-sized shrubberies… okay, they mainly have one thing.
While we suspect that our community might be better off if Alexandrians were obsessed a smidge less with beautification than with functionality, we can also respect anyone who makes the effort to design and maintain a yard that’s more than just a RoundUp-blasted, turf-carpeted ecological dead zone. (We contain multitudes, okay?) All of the award recipients are creating a more verdant city and assuredly filling the heart of our tree-loving former mayor with pride, but we want to shout out a few particular favorites (all quotes from the text of the awards).
“A front drainage ditch … is filled with lovely plants and succulents that help disperse stormwater and reduce soil erosion while adding visual interest. The entire yard is alluring and cozy.”
Runoff mitigation makes this one an automatic qualifier for our list of highlights. The city should take credit for that ditch under its Clean Water Act stormwater discharge permit. Alluring, indeed! 10/10 would practice the ancient Japanese art of forest bathing here.
“After a recent renovation, a new owner … leveled the yard to improve surface irrigation, removed the grass, and created an oasis for the neighborhood. The front yard is a field of flowers of all varieties.”
Yeah! Fuck grass!!!
“The beautiful lawn with trees and shrubs makes [this home] shine in its locale. The stone border wall and iron fence add elegance that surprises and pleases. New trees will add plenty of shelter and food to the native fauna.”
Any friend of the fauna is a friend of ours. We're picturing entire extended families of squirrels taking up residence in those trees like they're five-star hotels with an all-night buffet in the lobby. However, points detracted for insinuating that it’s “surprising” for a landscaping feature in this town to be elegant. We’re trying not to take this personally.
The Alexandria Times Quote of the Week
Hark! The Oracle of Seminary Hill comes forth with a query:
“What do our local leaders’ actions on the Hammond light poles portend for the future?”
Nothing. They portend nothing because they're fucking light poles, not a blood-red comet blazing across the sky. The cattle are not all lying down in the field - some dumbass in a hardhat held a diagram upside down while using a jackhammer. Please get a grip.
We Get Letters
From this week’s mailbag:
Long time (?) reader, first time emailer.
I know that there’s a lot of ragging on the number of pizza and taco places in Alexandria, and that every open storefront seems to invite rumours of yet another, but I’d love to hear where the two of y’all get your go-to pie or Taco Tuesday fix!
(Personally, as a Chicago-style fan, I’m a sucker for Bugsy’s deep dish, but I know that opinion is almost as controversial as wanting people to be able to afford their homes.)
Thanks!
-a life-long Alexandrian
Okay. We see what you’re doing here. Every word in this email is scientifically designed for maximum shit-starting (especially that incendiary Canadian spelling of “rumor”), and we’re not falling for it. Try harder next time, trolls!
One Awesome Thing in ALX
At the risk of closing things out this week on an overly-corny note, the swearing in of 25 newly minted American citizens while Alexandria marked the annual observance of our Citizenship Day (leading up to the federal day of recognition on September 17) was a genuinely moving moment. If you can watch this remarkable group of our neighbors recite their oath without a sudden swirl of dust where you’re sitting, well… congrats, your home is cleaner than either of ours.
On social media the mayor noted that 25% of our city’s population of 158,309 [Editor’s note: Oh, did you not think we’d come back to this? That this newsletter isn’t a fine-tuned thematic machine?] was born in a foreign country. In our city’s public schools you’ll find students from 124 countries speaking 119 languages. We often talk of places having been built and influenced by immigrants, and while that’s certainly true, this has the flattening effect of constraining those moments to the past and does not properly account for how these places—our places—are actively being built and influenced by immigrants.
We should take immense pride in that. We are deeply fortunate to live in a city that takes immense pride in that. And we are all—each one of us—immensely better off for it.
You can follow Becky @beckyhammer.bsky.social and Jesse @oconnell.bsky.social on Bluesky, or you can also find them @beckyhammer and @jesseocnl begrudgingly continuing to xeet (no, stop that, ew) on the website previously known as Twitter.