Parks and Wrecked
When you look back over the nearly one year(!!) we’ve been throwing this newsletter on your digital doorstep, we’ve naturally spent a lot of time focused on the city departments that do big visible projects that directly impact our lives. Planning & Zoning (P&Z) and Transportation & Environmental Services (T&ES) naturally get a lot of ink spilled analyzing their decisions and plans because they’re centrally connected to where we live and how we get around, and their projects and proposals typically go through review at the Planning Commission and City Council in a way that generates news coverage and local discussion.
But there’s another hugely consequential city department that we don’t tend to talk about as much, but probably should: Recreation, Parks & Cultural Activities (RPCA). Now, you might be thinking to yourself, Jesse and Becky—is this entire essay just a thinly veiled excuse to use a whole bunch of Ron Swanson memes? Why yes, yes it is. But that doesn’t mean we aren’t serious about this too!
It’s probably important to start by saying Parks and Recreation is an incredible show. One of the funniest and smartest sitcoms of the 21st century, and pretty damn high on the all-time list too. But one downside of the success and cultural penetration of this show has been the side effect of accidentally making municipal park and rec departments seem more frivolous than they actually are. And that’s unfortunate, because they are anything but a joke. The issues they lead on are hugely consequential. Public parks and open space—more than nearly anything else—are what actually makes a place a community. They’re where we gather, where we meet and make friends, where we learn how to be a teammate and how to compete, where we share and coexist. Parks play a huge role in public health, and a huge role in our climate mitigation efforts. An abundance and variety of parks and recreation spaces aren’t a nice-to-have public amenity, they’re a must-have core necessity just as much as roads or schools.
Here in Alexandria, the range of things that RPCA covers will sort of blow your mind when you pause to really consider it. Parks, dog parks, sports fields, indoor rec centers, outdoor courts, pools, childcare and after school care, summer camps, sports leagues, enrichment programs for people of all ages and backgrounds, public art… and that’s not even a complete list! But look at that list of things! That is a range of competencies that runs from mowing the grass to knowing your Two Boxes of Oranges and Admonia Jackson from your Interstellar Influencer.
And while RPCA is staffed by awesome people who get a great deal of those things right, it’s hard for anyone that looks at the range of things they have to tackle and concede that we’re succeeding at the level we might hope for. Numerous high visibility projects in recent years have been plagued with delays or construction missteps, our pools aren’t coming close to meeting local demand or service expectations, and critical programs like school aftercare need more capacity and a less-fraught enrollment process. We also need more of everything: more baseball and softball fields, more soccer and lacrosse fields, more pools, and more green spaces in our concrete places. It’s a daunting to-do list for sure.
We’re bringing this up now because in the years ahead the kind of attention we typically give P&Z and T&ES is going to swing toward RPCA. The lease on Cameron Run expires in a few years, and the decision about what to do with this incredibly important parcel of public land is easily one of the most consequential choices our local policymakers will face this decade. We’re also about to undertake a full rebuild of Simpson Park, and getting that project done on-time and on-budget has incredible stakes given the closure and loss of this signature space during the period of the rebuild. And as the Landmark project reshapes a large piece of the western part of the city we have a generational opportunity to bring some balance to the geographic distribution of municipal amenities, as well as cool some of those neighborhoods down with parklets and water features.
So the next time you’re out in one of our parks or admiring a piece of public art or taking an adult pickleball class [Editor’s note: you heard us] pause for a moment to appreciate what we have, but also think about how you can make your voice heard to make all these things better. At first glance a park or a playground may not seem as important as a new road or new housing, but it genuinely is. And we won’t get what we need unless we ask and advocate for it.
Things You May Have Missed Because You Have a Life
Not only did Alexandria host the Virginia Intermediate Little League tournament last week at historic Eugene Simpson Field—a nine team showcase of the best 13U teams from across the commonwealth—but they messed around and won the whole freaking thing. They next head to the regional tournament in Kernsville, NC on July 19-22, and a first round matchup against the winner of Georgia v. North Carolina. Being good at baseball must be what people mean when they call Virginia, North Carolina, and Georgia “swing states”—we get it now! [Editor’s note: goddammit Jesse.]
According to wellness and lifestyle website InsideHook, Alexandria is “an underrated hub for American pizza.” Ah yes, if there’s one thing you can say about the local pizza scene it’s that it’s gone unrecognized for far too long. Do we even have pizzerias here? Total news to us. Someone should really keep us in the loop about these things.
Speaking of lists, Travel + Leisure’s readers once again voted Alexandria one of the World’s Best Cities. Woot! But we fell from 9th on last year’s U.S. cities list to 15th this year, which hurts a little. Now, getting ranked behind Charleston and Honolulu… fine. We personally disagree but whatever. Objectively it kind of makes sense. But fucking Fort Worth? Are Travel + Leisure readers okay? Did a cow write this list? Listen Texas, you’re not better than us. We have our own rodeo and it’s called watching tourists try to ride a scooter over cobblestones. Big whoop.
Local Discourse Power Rankings
Off the Veep End (Last week: NR). It’s bad enough that the national media spent most of Q2 tagging the city of Alexandria in every mention of Sam Alito’s rotating flag display, and now this??? All week we’ve been subjected to explainer after thinkpiece about J.D. Vance’s decision to reside amongst the “liberal elites” of Del Ray, which seems a bit hypocritical given his obvious aversion to most of the things many people like to do around here, like getting around by bike, speaking languages other than English, being gay, and having personalities that don’t suck ass. But like, okay. It’s a free country and he can rub shoulders with us at the commie bagel shop if he wants. We would just prefer to be left out of all the hoopla. We did not choose this for ourselves! It seriously should not be too much to ask for the news to stop mentioning us—a community that went 80% for Biden in the last election—in the same breath as the pastiest right-wing zealots ever to come out of Yale Law School. We’re already taking enough psychic damage just being in physical proximity to this chud, please have mercy on us and let us eat our quinoa in peace!!!
Dog Days (Last week: NR). This week the Simpson Dog Park finally reopened after being closed for renovations since 2022. Apparently the city’s contractor bit off more than it could chew and the whole project went to the dogs. What exactly were they doing all this time? Did they get sidetracked trying to install golden fire hydrants and ergonomic tennis ball dispensers? This saga has been like the Titanic “it’s been 84 years” meme except in dog years that’s 588. It’s been so long that the pets that were puppies in 2022 now have canine arthritis. Even worse, the dogs all forgot how to play fetch while the park was closed. They have other hobbies now: chasing Ting work vehicles, hunting illegal backyard chickens, pickleball. So they’re definitely going to have some catch-up to do. The only silver lining is that this will be memorialized in history books alongside the other lengthiest construction projects of all time, such as the Great Wall of China, the Great Pyramid of Giza, and the Holmes Run Trail repairs.
You Idiots Are Doing This
RoadBuilding Wrong (Last week: 5). Local members of the anti-growth and acrophobia communities are up in arms because the city told the designer of a new condo tower in Carlyle that the building is too short as proposed. This is definitely an unusual situation! It’s way more typical for an applicant to be reprimanded for trying to build anything taller than a bird feeder. But since the city is taking this bold new direction, we’re wondering: why stop at the recommended two (2) additional stories? If the sky isn’t being well and truly scraped, we’re thinking too small. Let’s pioneer cloud-level living. The upper floors of this building should require their own weather forecasts. Penthouses should come with complimentary oxygen masks. We guess what we’re saying is, give Alexandria our own Burj Khalifa or fuck off, developers. Better yet, let’s build a space elevator, get our own little astronaut training program going. Oh damn, this is actually a really good economic development idea. Talk about fixing our commercial tax revenue problem! City staff, are you writing this down? Guys???Unnecessarily Aggressive Weather Phenomena (Last week: NR). Not only did the mercury hit 104 degrees Fahrenheit (that’s 40 Celsius for those of you who went to the Eras Tour in Amsterdam and have decided to make it your entire personality) on Tuesday, but it was also 101+ degrees for four days in a row. This has never happened before. Can we please please go back to having weather that’s, uhh, precedented? It just seems pretty dire when professional meteorologists are on social media using the hashtag #hell. Not to mention that with our lack of rainfall over the last month it’s drier than Ben Shapiro’s wife out there. The plants… they’re so crispy. Do rain dances work if you do them inside where the air isn’t actively trying to kill you? Because in the words of Inner Circle, we’ve already been forced to sweat till we can’t sweat no more and the human body has limits.
Alexandria’s Hottest Club Is… Our Birthday Party
After dragging out the preliminary festivities for months like a sorority sister celebrating her “birthday semester,” last weekend the big day finally arrived: our bicenterquasquigenary bash! It was a party 2.75 centuries in the making and in the words of another local publication, we went all out. The event was Alexandria’s hottest club in both the figurative and literal sense since, as previously discussed, our city’s climate has recently come to resemble that of the planet Venus. Yet despite the prospect of perspiring enough moisture to fill a Stanley cup, thousands of people were excited to gather together and watch the world’s worst fashion show a joyful celebration of Alexandria’s long and storied history.
Now, there are a lot of great cities out there that are well-represented in the arts. Tokyo has Yayoi Kusama. Naples has Elena Ferrante. Miami has Pitbull. But none of those other cities has a poet laureate who commemorates important events by reciting free verse about a sewage tunnel boring machine.
In addition to lyrical oration, music, and other assorted speechifying, there were also cupcakes! Unfortunately, attendees had to interact with local government officials in order to get them. On balance it was worth it but only because the cupcakes were free. The abundant supply of complimentary sweets slightly makes up for the fact that the birthday party is somehow the only major ALX celebration that doesn’t include a parade.
Once the people were lulled into a blissful sugar-induced stupor it was time to wake them back up with the big booms, starting with the cannons, which are pointed at Maryland for a reason. That said, if we ever get bored with threatening our neighbors across the Potomac with large-caliber weaponry it could be fun to point them toward Arlington as a way of putting them on notice about our intentions to liberate Shirlington.
Finally, the night ended with an extravaganza of fireworks, which of course are a modern invention that George Washington himself wouldn’t have even recognized (please don’t fact check this). Given their newfangled nature, the BAR is evaluating their aesthetic compatibility with the buildings surrounding Oronoco Bay Park. We look forward to hearing their decision which will immediately be overruled by City Council.
Overheard in ALX
From the WaPo article about our yarnaphobic neighbor:
“He has chatted with me a few times because I’m one of the only people in the neighborhood who look like a Republican,” Kreutzer said, referring to his taste for khaki pants and golf shirts.”
Look, this is a funny line. But come on. The only person in the neighborhood? This is just telling on yourself that you’ve never seen the mayor dressed up for date night.
We Get Letters
“Dear editors,
I have a complaint for Alexandria: When did 4-way stops become places for U-turns?? Last week even a city parking official did it in front of us on Cameron and Lee in a city car. Make it make sense–and also stop. It’s dangerous for drivers and pedestrians. Go back to drivers’ ed and just drive around the block dummy.
-Annoyed OT Walker and Driver”
Thanks for writing in, AOTWD! This specific maneuver isn’t one we’ve encountered very often, but the boundless creativity of local motorists sure is something, isn’t it? Under state code a U-turn at a four-way stop intersection does appear to be lawful [Editor’s note: we once again remind our readers that Becky is not barred in Virginia and Jesse’s legal education consists of doing A Few Good Men monologues into the mirror] but that doesn’t make it wise. Whenever you find yourself getting aggravated about it just remember that it could be worse: instead of coming to a halt at the stop sign, Old Town drivers could be banging U-ies at high speed around miniature rotaries like the one recently installed in Warwick Village. We don’t know how exactly this thing is supposed to work but we do know that it looks less like traffic calming infrastructure and more like a summoning circle used by the world’s most safety-conscious witches.
One Awesome Thing in ALX
With the Paris Olympics kicking off next week (slogan: Now With Less Poop Swimming!) we figured this was a good time to say how cool it is that not one, but two Alexandrians will be competing in these games. Fastest man in the world Noah Lyles has been well-covered in this space and many, many others and is likely to be the biggest story on the track in Paris. But Alexandria is also sending a rower to the Olympics, as detailed in this great ALXnow interview.
Good luck to both Noah and Christian and remember—an Olympic gold medal is cool, but getting the key to the City of Alexandria is much, much cooler.
You can follow Becky @beckyhammer.bsky.social and Jesse @oconnell.bsky.social on Bluesky, or you can e-mail us anytime at alxtranewsletter@gmail.com.
Happy birthday, Alexandria!
I completely agree! Come to a parks and rec commission meeting this fall!