You guys remember the show Entourage? It was an HBO dramedy that ran for (somewhat inexplicably) eight seasons in the early to late aughts, and followed the lives of a fictional A-list movie star and his buddies from back home. You remember Entourage—it’s the show that Jeremy Piven kept winning Emmys for over actors that were actually funny.
If you did watch it (and we haven’t in years, but we’d hazard a guess it’s one of those shows that, uh, doesn’t hold up all that great in a post-Me Too entertainment landscape?) you might recall that within the show, the main character’s first big break was this movie Queens Boulevard, which the in-show universe played it like it was a Scorsese-level masterpiece, but to us tv viewers watching from home it pretty obviously sucked? Anyway we’re getting off topic—the point is, at the end of that film the main character delivers his supposedly iconic (hacky) line: “I am Queens Boulevard.”
All of this is a very convoluted lead-in to say: this I-am-Queens-Boulevard-attitude feels a lot like what we’ve been dealing with here in Alexandria. Your Bills Rossello, your Carters Flemming—they act like they speak for all of us, that their lifestyles are our lifestyles, that their preferences are universally shared. They think they are Alexandria.
And you can see how if that’s the frame of reference you’re coming at things from, changes like these zoning proposals do feel perverse and irrational and capricious. These people likely say to themselves, well I think this is terrible and since I am Alexandria, surely something has gone awry! An error has been made that must be corrected! Surely no one would dare to countermand and ignore the avatar of the Port City, the ur-Alexandrian. Don’t you see? I am Alexandria.
Honestly we wish we didn’t have to care about this, that we could just let busybodies busybody and lay claim to whatever mantle they want to claim while the rest of us get on with our lives. But we have to care because actually this matters a lot, this question of who tells the story of who our city is. It matters on issues of policy, certainly, but it also matters for inclusion and belonging—how we make neighbors feel at home, feel like they and their families can make a long and happy life here. When you plant a flag of dominion on “normal” what you’re really doing is circumscribing what it means to be “other.”
We’ve heard a lot of othering over the past couple months of public engagement on this topic. The city is full. Don’t come here. If you can’t afford it here, you shouldn’t be here. If you live in a certain kind of housing you must be a certain kind of person. You can’t be Alexandria because I am Alexandria.
But here’s the thing, they’re not. They’re not Alexandria. Not anymore (and probably not ever). The voices that have carried most strongly in this conversation have been those with a positive and hopeful vision for the city. Voices—young and old—that have spoken about their excitement for new neighbors, their enthusiasm for the variety of places to live and ways to get around town. Voices that are excited about this city’s tomorrow and grateful for the work being done to pull that tomorrow closer to today. Voices that are our future.
And this, ultimately, might matter more than the actual zoning conversation itself. Don’t get us wrong, that matters a fuck-ton too (brace yourself for another 2,000 words on it down below!) but still—there will come a point when the zoning conversation will end, yet the undercurrent of who tells the story of who we are will continue to bear us on. A city is not just the sum of its built environment or an aggregation of zip codes. A city is its people—all of us—renewing our decision every day to be in this place and to care about those around us. That is Alexandria.
We are Alexandria.
Things You May Have Missed Because You Have a Life
Local artists have designed cool as hell looking new manhole covers in North Old Town. Jealous of this creative treatment of every-day road infrastructure, Rosemont artists quickly announced plans to put googly eyes on the Commonwealth Avenue traffic armadillos.
Don’t forget this weekend, November 18, the city will light the holiday tree in Market Square. Does it feel weird to do this before Thanksgiving? Yes, it sure does. But remember—we’re a city that celebrates St. Patrick’s Day in February, so honestly this wrong-month tree lighting is nothing more than a commitment to a strong brand identity.
Congratulations to the new city attorney. We hope she knows a lot about city charters!
Lost Boy Cider is hosting a pop-up vintage flea market in North Old Town this weekend, two great tastes that taste great together! Just don’t blame us if you get blitzed on Lost Boy’s En Fuego cider and stumble home having impulse-bought a 1970s egg cuber.
Local Discourse Power Rankings
Don’t Zone Me Bro (Last week: 1). Obviously this needs to remain in the top slot, but we’re not going to add much more given [gesturing at remainder of newsletter], other than to note that the most consistently sane commenter on ALXnow articles about this issue is a cryptid named Bigfootrotica, which says a lot about the tenor of the debate at this stage of the game.
Yard Signs (Last week: NR). The yard sign war continues to escalate as someone has designed and ordered pro-Zoning for Housing signs. The identity of these heroic individuals remains unknown. Haha, just kidding! It was us!!! The signs will be delivered tomorrow. Let us know if you want one. First dibs go to readers with access to strategically useful sign placement locations.
The United States Postal Service (Last week: NR). Remember that time during the beginning of the pandemic when we were all buying stamps to save the USPS? Well, we’ve got great news for Louis DeJoy because the people of Alexandria are on it. Amid the manufactured outrage over the city’s “inadequate notice” to residents about Zoning for Housing, one clear solution has emerged, and it is mail. City webpages? Email alerts? Newspaper articles, op-eds, and editorials? NOT GOOD ENOUGH. Only the use of our tax dollars for mass mailings conveying information that has been communicated seventeen other ways will do. We need postcards! Postcards that most people will immediately throw away without reading! Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night will stay these couriers from the swift completion of telling homeowners what to be mad about. At least we’ll do our patriotic duty by ensuring that the Postal Service enjoys robust funding into the future. You’re welcome, Benjamin Franklin.
You Idiots Are Doing This Road Wrong (Last week: NR). Seems that the city has had just about enough of you maniacs plowing over people in crosswalks like you’re in some Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas bonus level and have announced a plan for heightened enforcement of crosswalk infractions as a result. And while the rational among us might look at this news and think “fewer mangled pedestrians, this is a good thing that I am unreservedly in favor of,” a number of local commenters have taken to the digital barricades to decry this besmirching of poor misunderstood out-of-control automobile drivers. Don’t you see, these pedestrians are mangling themselves! It’s not the fault of drivers that these squishy meatbags keep stepping out in front of their vroom-vroom time! Rather than crack down on crosswalk infractions, a much more sensible thing to do would be to make all pedestrians walk around wearing those carnival game sumo suits so that when drivers plow into them they just bounce away, safely and amusingly.
Alexandria’s Hottest Club Is… City Council Chambers
We’re heading into the holidays, and our calendars are filling up with work functions, festive activities, and other obligations. On any given November night Alexandrians are scattered across the city at school plays and Friendsgivings, board meetings and fundraising dinners. But this Tuesday evening, there was only one place to be, and that was City Hall. After months of hype and buildup, the Alexandria social event of the season the year the century finally arrived: the first of two public hearings on a zoning reform proposal. All the community meetings and the living room town halls and the civic association debates, the quixotic bluster about saving Del Ray, the defiant marching of the aristocrats on Market Square—all of it led to this. And folks, it was a fucking doozy.
This hearing was an important opportunity to (a) formally register your opinion on Zoning for Housing/Housing for All and (b) find out what kind of weird conspiracy theories your neighbors believe, so of course everyone was there. Housing advocates, historic preservationists, retirees, religious leaders, former elected officials, retirees, working parents with cute kids who joined them at the microphone, and also retirees. The trolls on the neighborhood listserv who’ve been engaging in a flame war for three weeks? It turns out they have corporeal forms and confusing taste in sweaters. Who knew! There was only one thing everybody had in common, and that was living right here in Alexandria—unless they were speaking in support of the proposals, in which case the Coalition for a Livable* Alexandria (*for me but not for thee) wants you to think they were definitely “non-resident activists and special interest groups,” because that’s a totally cool and respectful way to treat people who disagree with you.
Unsurprisingly, tensions ran high as soon as the public comment period started. Most speakers remained courteous and polite, but not everyone was on their best behavior. Many took the three-minute time limit as more of a suggestion than a hard-and-fast rule. The prohibition on clapping was largely honored, except for the folks on one side of the issue, we won’t mention which side (but you know which one it is). Even some of the council members occasionally ignored the mayor’s request to hold their comments and questions until the end. Falsities needed to be debunked! Pointed questions that sounded factual on their face but were actually intended to call out bullshit needed to be asked! To be brief, things got spicy. There was yelling. Given the prevailing hotness of temper, it’s a miracle we didn’t witness speakers elbowing each other in the kidneys Kevin McCarthy-style over who’s lived in Alexandria the longest or how many commodes belong in one residential dwelling.
Throughout it all, the testimony took us on a roller coaster of emotions. We were by turns amused (by the inability of anti-housing speakers to decide whether this effort will make their homes gain or lose value, either of which would be a catastrophe of biblical proportions); angry (at how successful the NIMBY shit-stirrers have been at spreading misinformation); depressed (by the widespread fear of change, other people, and pretty much everything else); indignant (at the claims that single family homeowners are disenfranchised victims who need to be financially compensated (!!!)); and filled with gleeful schadenfreude (at the mayor verbally disemboweling one of the CLA guys with surgical precision in full view of the entire audience).
We cringed as commenters brought up hot-button analogies from [redacted topic we’re not going to discuss here] to [another topic we’re not touching with a ten-foot pole]. We cheered when our friends stood up to speak! We fist-pumped when somebody said something smart or hopeful, and we laughed when a mom argued that we need to increase density so kids can get a bigger candy haul on Halloween. Somehow, the church ladies from VOICE made us consider finding religion. But by the time this marathon rant-sesh finally wrapped up a few minutes before midnight, we were mostly just exhausted. And maaaybe slightly drunk.
For the record: we’re not telling you all this so you’ll tune in to watch round two on Saturday morning, although clearly we’ve established that the entertainment value will be tremendous. We’re telling you so that you’ll consider signing up and speaking too. Yes, it’s a weekend and you’d rather be doing literally anything else. But the people who want to stop these proposals are sure as hell going to be there. You deserve to be as loud as they are. After all, these hearings may be the hottest club in Alexandria, but they’re not an exclusive one. We hope to see you there, coffee in hand, ready to speak your mind, wearing your absolute most perplexing sweater.
The Alexandria Times Quote of the Week
As of press time, it appears that the Times had responded to our joke in last week’s issue about it not being “the press” by… deleting itself. And while we’re sure this is merely some technical problem (and we wish them well in resolving it - truly) we enjoyed writing this joke too much to take it out. Which local institution should we (almost) eliminate next? Wrong answers only!
One Awesome Thing in ALX
Alexandria has a lot going on in the public art department, and we’re not just talking about the manhole covers we mentioned earlier. (Yes, we’re back on the manhole covers! What can we say, at least one of us is extremely enthusiastic about sewer infrastructure.) In late October the city announced plans for an art installation in the new park that’s being developed at the corner of Eisenhower Ave and Holland Lane. New art and a new park? In this economy??
The artist they selected is named DeWitt Godfrey, a large scale sculptor who lives in upstate New York and works mostly with rolled tubes of bent steel sheets. According to the city’s press release, “Natural geometries and systems – plant spores, seashells, honeycombs – inspire his sculptures; and through his unique process of packing and stacking conic and cylindrical steel forms, simple rules give rise to extraordinary complexity.” Yeah! Packing and stacking! We don’t know what that means exactly, but it sounds very exciting.
The city’s Office of the Arts is killing it these days overall. The rotating art in Waterfront Park has been super popular and a huge draw for the lower King Street area. The mural on the side of Burke Library adds a bright splash of color to an intersection that’s otherwise pretty nondescript.
We love these and other installations because they do so much to enrich our city. Public art makes a space feel unique and important. It signals that this place, right here? It matters, and it’s worthy of being beautiful. Art reminds us to be present and pay attention to the world around us. Not least, it helps us get those sweet sweet tourist dollars and generally contributes to us feeling fancy as hell. Which, okay, we would probably feel anyway, because Alexandrians are blessed with a healthy abundance of pride in this place we call home– but the art sure doesn’t hurt.
You can follow Becky @beckyhammer.bsky.social and Jesse @oconnell.bsky.social on Bluesky, or you can e-mail us anytime at alxtranewsletter@gmail.com.
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