Suit Yourself
It’s a Friday edition of the newsletter yet again as Becky was traveling this week and Jesse went and got himself involved in a small side project, but don’t you worry! We worked feverishly through the night [Editor’s note: ok mostly the early afternoon] to be back in your inbox with nothing but the freshest of takes and stalest of bits that you’ve come to know and love as our Signature Brand™ of local commentary. So let’s get straight to it with the hottest news in the legal world since Judge Judy did this:
As we briefly mentioned last week, the Coalition for a Livable* Alexandria (*offer only valid for Balducci’s shoppers) has sued the city over Zoning for Housing—specifically, the change allowing multi-unit dwellings to be constructed in what are currently single-family zones. We finally got a chance to sit down with a stiff drink in hand to read through the complaint and… immediately poured ourselves another beverage because mild to moderate tipsiness is the only way this thing makes any sense. The legal claims are flimsier than the build quality on a Tesla Model 3, the factual assertions are somehow arguing with each other, and the document is so riddled with typos we can only conclude it was sweatily banged out five minutes before the filing deadline.
But as fun as it may be to point out that the drafters of this complaint think we live in a place called “Alexandia,” let’s set that aside for a minute and consider what they’re actually saying.
It has to do with property rights. Now, things are about to get a little lawyer-y, so please imagine us explaining this to you in character as Jimmy McGill and Kim Wexler from “Better Call Saul.” You can decide which one of us is which. Ready? Okay, so property rights usually have to do with the extent to which property owners can control the use of their own land. Things get sticky when the government restricts those rights and puts new limits on what people can build or do. But that’s not the case here, since Zoning for Housing expanded property rights by giving Alexandrians new options for the types of housing that are allowed.
The plaintiffs, however, have a different concept of property rights. In their view, they should have the power to control not just their own land but also everybody else’s. The complaint argues that since they bought their homes in reliance on the expectation that their neighborhood would remain a low-density suburban paradise/hellscape (take your pick), they’re now legally entitled to make it stay that way forever.
The thing about legal rights in general is that they’re creatures of the law. They don’t just exist because we think they should. If that were true, Becky would have the right to make Daddy Yankee come out of retirement and Jesse would have the right to take a pickleball break from work at two o’clock every afternoon. In reality, rights have to be affirmatively granted to us by lawmakers, otherwise we’re shit out of luck.
The “property right” of individuals to freeze their entire neighborhoods in amber, it goes without goddamn saying, does not exist in the eyes of the commonwealth of Virginia. Nor should it! That would be a very bad and anti-democratic system!!! Our state supreme court agrees, and over the course of many rulings has established the principle that we should give far greater deference to elected leaders making zoning decisions for the community than we do to landowners who disagree for self-interested reasons. Importantly for our purposes, the court has also said that “while the views of persons owning property in the neighborhood should be considered, property owners have no vested right to continuity of the zoning of the general area in which they reside, and the mere purchase of land does not create a right to rely on existing zoning,” a quote that is conveniently not mentioned in the CLA complaint.
The fact that they’re not the lordlings of fiefdoms that extend beyond their property lines may make the plaintiffs angry. It may even give them a sad. But this is not a valid reason to initiate legal proceedings.
At the end of the day this debate is (and has always been) a question of policy, not law. It’s frustrating to watch CLA blow through tens of thousands of dollars in legal fees crowdsourced from people who almost certainly don’t understand what a jurisprudential turd this case is, not to mention force the city to spend tax dollars defending a lawsuit that is literally laughable in the LOL sense. What are we even doing here, guys? Granted, weird shit does happen and we don’t know for sure how a judge will ultimately rule. On the other hand, if CLA somehow prevails, Becky will eat her hat [Editor’s note: this idiom cannot be applied to Jesse, who would probably eat a hat just for the hell of it in the normal course of circumstances].
It would be nice if we could skip the litigation hissy fit and use this year’s local elections as a forum for the community to decide the merits of this carefully considered and if anything too procedurally thorough land-use decision. Maybe that’s the plaintiffs’ plan, and they only filed this case to keep Zoning for Housing in the news cycle leading up to June 18. Which, fine. We’re happy to help out by dunking on it analyzing it in a reasoned and objective manner… just keep the stiff drinks coming.
Things You May Have Missed Because You Have a Life
Last year marked Capital Bikeshare’s best year ever in Alexandria, an equally important achievement for both local commitments to multi-modal transportation AND people who don’t mind looking like they borrowed a bike from Mary Poppins.
Washingtonian released their annual 100 best restaurants list and Virginia’s Darling, Thompson Italian, and Nasime each made the cut. While it’s kind of a bummer to see only three local places get recognized, none of those places is a pizza joint sooooo… progress?
The latest public art at the foot of King Street has been announced, and it’s a thematically resonant scalding broadside against outside forces that suddenly arrive to destroy a place rich in history. Hahaha no we’re kidding, it’s about the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs.
Speaking of asteroids that can’t get here soon enough, early voting for the March presidential primary started last week.
Local Discourse Power Rankings
Not In My Potomac Yard (Last week: 2). We’ve officially reached the stage of the arena debate where there’s discourse about the discourse. It’s like Inception, except each layer of dreams has more and more people screaming about shuttle buses. Over a span of four days we’ve got community listening sessions, a city council town hall, an anti-arena webinar and a protest. Forget Ted Leonsis, the actual financial beneficiaries of this proposal are Zoom and the manufacturers of poster board.
More Homes, Sherlock (Last week: NR). Council has finally approved the two long-debated residential redevelopment proposals for 301 N. Fairfax Street and the Ladrey Senior High Rise Apartments, capping off a terrible week for people who cheer when Godzilla knocks down apartment buildings.
Is Our Children Learning (Last week: 4). Earlier in the week multiple ACPS schools were either closed or disrupted by someone calling in “swatting” threats on the building. First of all, this a despicable thing to do to teachers, staff, school children, and families—what the fuck is wrong with people. But also, if you want to close a school building in January you don’t need to engage in a dangerous and thoughtless prank: forecasting an inch of snow is more than sufficient to get the job done.
You Idiots Are Doing This Road Wrong (Last week: 5). The city has announced new “no turn on red” restrictions along
Grocery Store AlleySt. Asaph Street, and the news has been met with a resounding YOU CAN’T STOP ME, MOTHERFUCKERS!!! The top comment on the ALXNow story about this is literally “I don’t care. I’ll still turn right on red.” Welp! Can’t argue with that. The urge to mow down Trader Joe’s shoppers is just too strong and who are we to tamp down that irrepressible spirit? The people’s frivolous desire not to get pancaked on their way to pick up some two-buck Chuck is nothing compared to a driver’s need to arrive at work 12 seconds faster. So be careful out there, by which we mean evolve eyes on the sides of your head so you can look both ways simultaneously when stepping into the street. Safety first!Tall People Running for Office (Last week: NR). Oh did you think we weren’t going to talk about this? We’re most certainly going to talk about this! Can you believe that this lanky jackass is aband–[sound of computer keyboard being physically wrestled away from someone] can you believe that this upstanding member of our community is raising his hand to further serve the Alexandria public? Well believe it, because it’s happening: the taller half of ALXtra has announced that he’s pursuing a seat on city council. This is exciting not only because we think he’d be very good in the role [Editor’s note: aw, really?] but also because if he served on one more board or commission the city charter says he’s legally allowed to move into the room at the top of the Masonic Temple and truly no one wants that. As for what this means for the newsletter… hopefully not much? We’re still going to write it, you’re still going to laugh at it, we might just alter the publishing schedule to something a little more sustainable. If you have ideas or suggestions on this front, let us know in the comments!
Alexandria’s Hottest Club Is… Boards and Commissions
The city’s latest list of current board and commission vacancies is out (applications due by Feb. 2!) which made us realize that haven’t previously talked about one of Alexandria’s signature characteristics in the newsletter. See, Alexandria has a lot of boards and commissions. As in whatever number you think we have, just go ahead and think of a higher number. The following is a list of some of our commissions along with one we made up, see if you can tell which is which: the Alexandria Housing Affordability Advisory Committee; the Urban Design Advisory Committee; the Pizza Place Design and Deployment Council; the Beautification Commission; the Emergency Medical Services Council.
The full list is here–It’s a lot of commissions! We more or less have a commission for any issue that impacts the lives of city residents, which is honestly pretty great. Not only does this create opportunities for people directly and most closely impacted by our public policies to work on them and share their input, it also creates a channel for residents to work with and get to know city staff in departments across the entire breadth of our local government.
Both of us have had (and currently have) the opportunity to serve on local commissions, and it’s among the most fulfilling kind of volunteerism and civic engagement you can do in Alexandria. It’s very much a commentary on the ethos of this city that we’ve found a way to marshal the talent and benefit from the expertise of all the smart passionate experts that make this place their home, and put it to use for our collective benefit.
So if you’ve been giving a thought to applying for a board or commission—please go for it! Every single one of those vacant seats deserves to be filled by someone that cares, by someone that wants to make the city better, and by someone that is focused on the greater good rather than merely amassing power to remove alternate side parking on their neighborhood street.
The Alexandria Times Quote of the Week
“Instead spending it on social benefits for their populations, secure in the reassurance that U.S. blood and treasure will be spent for their defense in the unlikely event it is ever needed.”
Is… is this still about the housing lawsuit? Guys? What’s going on here guys?
We Get Letters
Reader Robert writes:
For the second year, local young musicians (AC grads) are in the running at the Wammies Awards. Last year Hanoi Ragmen won! This year daughter Marian (Best Pop Song, @80) and local neighbors (Maggie/Jannie) in Whiskey Before Breakfast Band (Best Folk Bluegrass Artist, Song, Album) are nominated.
7 top vote getters in each nomination category move on to the finals!
Here's how to vote:
1. Go to www.wammiesdc.org
2. Click "Vote Today!" in Top Nav
3. Log in - auto via Google, Facebook, LinkedIn, or X is quickest (or create an account)
4. Scroll down and click on relevant button
5. Scroll down again to find specific artist for that category and click vote.
One vote per nomination type, but the spirit is all Tammany Hall here.
First of all, we have no idea what Robert means by a Tammany Hall spirit. Surely none of you will vote for these amazing young local musicians more than a tasteful fifteen or twenty times each. Second, can we pause for a second and just note how often we’ve able to write about or do items on kick-ass music with Alexandria connections?? We absolutely love to fucking see it.
Voting ends on January 31, so get out there and get after it. As Robert notes, you want to pick Best Pop Song, and then Marian Hunter, as well as Best Folk Bluegrass Artist, and then Whiskey Before Breakfast Band. And if we’ve missed any other ALX folks up for a Wammie and you want to rally support for them, tell us in the comments!
One Awesome Thing in ALX
One of the items at this week’s city council meeting was a presentation from the Alexandria Youth Ambassadors (AYA) Program, who were at council to share their Youth Safety and Resilience recommendations, which starts around 1:46:00 in this video.
You can also view their presentation here, and it really is worth your time to either read or watch. While this group was formed for a tragic reason (in response to the May 2022 death of a local teenager) it’s deeply inspiring to see the results of their work, a thorough set of recommendations for how to better reach, communicate, and respond to the concerns of our city’s youth. They highlight their interactions with public transportation, emphasize the kinds of communication channels that actually reach and resonate with them, and above all remind our local leaders that resources for youth must include those youth in the development process.
We got fired up watching these young Alexandrians and suspect you will too–it’s a testament to our community values that there is space for these strong, thoughtful, urgent voices to be heard and make a difference.
You can follow Becky @beckyhammer.bsky.social and Jesse @oconnell.bsky.social on Bluesky, or you can e-mail us anytime at alxtranewsletter@gmail.com.
I love Alexandria - thank you for your newsletter - also love the civic engagement - Jesse O'Connell would be an effective member of the City Council.