The Sincerest Form of Flattery
Readers of a certain age—35 to 50, give or take—might remember the seminal 2001 crunk track “Raise Up,” in which rapper and Timbaland protégé Petey Pablo encourages people in locations across the world to take their shirts off, twist them around their hands, and spin them like a helicopter. In addition to serving as one of the best party anthems of the early aughts, this song helpfully reminds us that there are a lot of cities out there, as Petey shouts out what feels like most of them over the course of the song’s four-minute runtime.
Within this great profusion of municipalities, a lot of interesting policies are being tested. Cities are the smallest unit of government that has any real power (unless you live in a super-strict HOA, in which case, ugh, sorry). It’s easier for them to achieve the political will to pass laws and implement programs compared to a larger, more heterogeneous area like a state or country. Bloomberg think-tanky types like to refer to cities as “laboratories of innovation,” which is basically a pretentious way of saying that they’re trying cool shit.
Alexandria already has a sister cities program that encourages cultural exchange. It’s great, as far as it goes— our partnership with Helsingborg, Sweden, home to IKEA headquarters, surely bolsters our international cachet easy access to meatballs. But what if we took things one step further and borrowed some actual policy ideas from other local governments?
There are so many options to choose from! Boston is giving kids free bike lessons and banning fossil fuels in new city-owned buildings. Baltimore and Philly recently adopted income-based water rates that cap bills at a set percentage of household earnings. Chicago is providing municipal funds to local clinics to help them scale up abortion support services after Dobbs eliminated access in neighboring red states. Cities across Latin America have integrated practical but extremely fun-to-ride aerial cable car systems into their public transit networks. You know what could really take Duke Street in Motion to another level? Gondolas!
Ok the gondolas thing was kind of a joke (editor’s note: it was not a joke) but we don’t even have to look that far or think that big to find interesting things to copy. Right across the river, D.C. is running a first-of-its-kind stormwater credit trading program that’s created capacity to store hundreds of thousands of gallons of rainwater across the District. Our Virginia neighbor to the immediate north has joined dozens of other U.S. communities in trying out a little something that rhymes with Shmissing Shmiddle. Down in Richmond, they’re pairing college scholarships with mentoring and flexible cash assistance to ensure graduates of their public schools a pathway to and through community college and into the workforce. We’re open to any and all ideas from around the region— except for Rockville’s ban on public profanity, because fuck that.
But just as much as we can learn from what other cities are doing, Alexandria could also stand to take a lesson from them on how they’re doing it. Specifically: not so goddamn slowly. Look at Paris. It’s radically transforming itself, and it’s moving really fast. Just in the last six or seven years, the city has adopted various time and location bans on vehicle use (leading up to a total prohibition on through-traffic in the city center in 2024), reduced all speed limits, invested in hundreds of miles of protected cycling infrastructure, and pedestrianized public squares and even freeways. As a result it’s seen a sudden, massive increase in cycling and a 40% drop in traffic fatalities. When asked how they’re able to implement change this quickly, city officials say that people voted for leaders who wanted to get this stuff done, so they don’t see a need for much if any additional process— a sentiment shockingly devoid of conspiratorial thinking and sour grapes relative to what we typically hear from our local lovers of integrity.
Obviously, we’re not Paris. Nor do we mean to suggest that we should strive for the size, scale, and ah, unconventional politeness exhibited by that city and its denizens. But there’s no reason we can’t take a cue from Parisians’ non-glacial pace of action. It’s not necessarily the case that we have to jump through a million hoops at the command of obstructionist groups who will never be satisfied even if we hold that 36th public meeting over that two-block stretch of bike lane. Admittedly, our local authority faces real legal constraints (John Dillon and his dumb fucking rule can take a long walk off a short pier) but even within those constraints there’s a lot we could be doing, a lot faster, right now. And if that thought makes you want to raise [sic] up and spin your shirt over your head like a helicopter, well, that’s a totally reasonable reaction.
Things You May Have Missed Because You Have a Life
An axe-throwing bar is opening in ALX this weekend, and according to the owner, “While some may have reservations about mixing axe-throwing and alcohol, our staff are trained to ensure responsible drinking and throwing.” This man has clearly not seen what our friend Nine-Fingers Noelle can do with a bunch of white wine coolers and a couple of hatchets.
Researchers from Virginia Tech recently tested an autonomous vehicle on 395, because what could possibly go wrong with letting an AI train itself on a bunch of Maryland drivers.
Someone in Alexandria won $1 million in last week’s Powerball lottery, and to that person we just want to say, could we possibly interest you in a newsletter sponsorship opportunity?
There’s a state tax holiday this weekend so make sure you get out and stock up on eligible tax-free clothing, shoes, school supplies, and chainsaws. Just in time for Halloween!
Local Discourse Power Rankings
Heritage Not Haterade (Last week: NR). The people have one question and one question only this week: why is our city government determined to
rename streets that honor secessionist traitors and war runners upviolently attack our heritage? First of all, this will cost money, which would be better spent on community-friendly amenities like those spikes that keep people from sleeping on park benches. Also, nobody knows that these streets are named after Confederate generals. Nobody!! These names came down from a mountaintop on stone tablets, what, did you think they were picked in like 1953 or something?? And they were selected for totally innocent reasons, like helping us remember where we live. For example when people visit, they can use this nifty little jingle - “if our home is where you kick it, just go charge down Pickett!” That couldn’t possibly refer to anything else! Listen have you even stopped to consider that without a street named after the guy who designed the Confederate battle flag, we could be in any state that wasn’t the capital of the Confederacy, which is all the other ones? At the end of the day, these generals probably weren’t all that bad. They were just standing up for their deeply held convictions about states righ– [the ghost of Abraham Lincoln appears and kicks us in the shins while scream-reading at us from Nathan Bedford Forrest’s Wikipedia page].
You Idiots Are Doing This Road Wrong (Last week: 2). Will someone just fix Seminary Road already? Drivers keep crashing their cars into Ron McNeely’s yard. Three times this year! That is too many times. Ron, to our knowledge, did not do anything to deserve this. Please, for fuck’s sake, do something. For Ron. #JusticeForRon
Big-Ass Flags (Last week: NR). Have you heard? Somebody in Old Town hung a flag on the side of a building, and it’s… brace yourselves… large. This offense apparently justifies our local newspaper’s decision to publish an eight-paragraph letter expressing “dismay,” “shock,” and “chagrin” at the flag’s size and color scheme that may or may not have been written as a joke. Either way, we can understand why the editors would assume it was serious: the letter writer quotes Apocalypse Now, which is actually a pretty normal reaction to things around here.
Leaf Collection (Last week: NR). It’s great that the city does vacuum truck leaf collection. Some of us are organized and dexterous enough to rake our leaves and put them in bags and neatly stack those bags by the curb, while some of us can only manage the effort of raking a big-ass pile into the gutter. It’s ok— our city contains multitudes. But please, if you are going to rake a car-sized pile of leaves into the street and by doing so occupy an entire on-street parking space, would it be too much trouble to DO IT THE DAY BEFORE THE GODDAMN TRUCK COMES AND NOT THE DAY AFTER?? Seeing the vacuum truck pass your house cannot be your trigger to put an enormous pile of leaves in the middle of the road— the truck won’t be back for weeks! Just check the helpfully posted sign somewhere on your block, note the date, and put the leaves out right before that date and not right after it. We plan to yell at you three or four more times about this between now and Thanksgiving.
Zoning (Last week: 1). A new report shows that the median home sale price in Alexandria has increased 15.2% since this time last year. Fortunately Bill Rossello’s Alexandria Times column this week is laser-focused on how we can solve this problem, and by “solve this problem” we mean stop everyone from building more housing.
Alexandria’s Hottest Club Is… A Pickleball Court
Do you hear that sound? That satisfying POCK POCK POCK somewhere in the distance? That’s the sound of America’s fastest growing sport taking over Alexandria, one tennis court at a time. Gone are the days of consigning pickleball to the wasteland of your father-in-law’s Sunday mornings— this is the people’s sport now. Your friends are playing. Your neighbors are playing. Your book club and your trivia team are playing. Everybody you know is playing pickleball and using words like “dink” as if that were a normal thing to say in polite conversation between two adults.
It’s basically been impossible to consume any sort of media for the last year without reading a rapturous article about pickleball. The New York Times declared it the cure for male loneliness. Stephen Colbert is hosting a pickleball show on primetime television. There’s a guide in Vogue of chic pickleball looks (and to be clear that’s Vogue Vogue - not “the Vogue of Pickleball,” Pickleball Magazine). If you’ve been past the courts at Simpson Field or Nannie J. Lee at basically any time of day, you have a good sense of how the sport is taking off locally. The city recreation department is even offering classes now - for which there’s a waitlist. They even put pickleball courts on the National Mall for a few afternoons!
So far in Alexandria it’s been mostly good vibes and smooth sailing on the pickleball front. The pickup games are plentiful, neighborhood leagues are forming, and the city converted a number of tennis courts to meet the expanded interest and demand. There’s been some concern and dialogue about noise and parking, but for the most part we’ve avoided being the latest front in the Great Pickleball Imbroglio that’s engulfed many communities. But not Arlington! Holy shit have you seen what’s happening over on the wrong side of Four Mile Run? Local news had to do a story that said pickleball players were bullying kids and using the parks like a trough urinal at RFK Stadium! Some guy went full-scale guerrilla art over it!
So if you’re curious about pickleball, give it a shot (Becky promises not to make fun of you… much). It’s fun, competitive, and surprisingly active. You’ll meet a lot of cool local people, in particular neighbors from different generations. We don’t know if pickleball is the cure for male loneliness, but we’re absolutely certain it can play a role bridging different parts of our community. At the end of the day it doesn’t matter if pickleball is trendy or overhyped, the next big thing or the next Segway. Even if it ends up being nothing more than a way to connect with people that live around you and learn a little about their lives— that’s more than worth it in our book. Just try not to pee on any kids while you’re at it.
The Alexandria Times Quote of the Week
“This lack of responsiveness sends a clear message that we can no longer trust the City Council we elected to be responsive to our needs, and that they do not deserve to make the zoning changes they are promoting.”
If you guys keep this up, you're going to make us have to tap the sign.
One Awesome Thing in ALX
Alexandria City Public Schools announced last week that any ACHS senior with a GPA of 3.25 or higher will be offered automatic admission to George Mason University in a new pilot program. This year, 428 students qualified - about 40% of the class. Direct admissions programs like this can increase the number of college applicants who are currently underrepresented, such as students of color and first-generation students, since they reduce barriers and make it easier for kids who might not otherwise apply. The practice is popular and growing nationally, and is particularly important in the face of the current legal landscape after the Supreme Court’s decision this year to curtail race-conscious admissions.
Setting aside the fact that it’s every teenager’s dream to get admitted to college without having to write an admissions essay, GMU is a phenomenal institution with a rising-star president who’s grown enrollment during his three years leading the largest and most diverse public university in Virginia. Notably for our purposes, the university has a range of cool partnerships going on with local governments in the area, including one with Alexandria on climate resilience. Also, the Heritage Foundation is currently mad at them about their DEI efforts, so presumably they’re doing something right.
There is a common mistake made in how many people talk about college-going behavior, which is to center the experience of choosing between a variety of selective institutions and then attending a residential campus and completing in four years. Thanks to how the New York Times and others write about college, the public narrative is that this kind of experience is normal and typical, the baseline that we should all measure ourselves against. But it’s not— in fact, it’s far from it. Only 16% of postsecondary students live on a campus, nationally. 64% of today’s students work while in school, and 40% work full-time. 37% of college students are 25 or older, and the average student takes six years to complete a four-year degree.
Any step taken, like this ACPS/GMU partnership, to normalize and destigmatize—in fact to celebrate and embrace—postsecondary experiences that are close to home with lower costs and high-quality outcomes is a welcome step indeed. These programs are not back-up plans or consolation prizes. Stop asking students where they’re applying to or where they got in. Instead, ask them what kind of life they want to lead and help them explore and understand the talent pathways and learning experiences that will get them there. We suspect you’ll find that many of them are much closer than you realize.
You can follow Becky @beckyhammer.bsky.social and Jesse @oconnell.bsky.social on Bluesky, or you can e-mail us anytime at alxtranewsletter@gmail.com.