We Alexandrians have always been pathological overachievers. Not satisfied with the many hats we wear in our array of day jobs, we also enjoy moonlighting as armchair experts in additional fields of professional practice. Our qualifications arise not from training, knowledge, or hands-on experience but rather from quick skims of Wikipedia and arguments with anonymous troll accounts in the ALX Now comment section. It’s a very enriching pastime! In recent years—as local political circumstances have required—Alexandrians have rotated through stints as amateur traffic engineers, hydrologists, arborists, historians, water quality analysts, and rare* wetland plant specialists (*actual rarity of plants optional). This week, rather thrillingly, we’re all legal scholars who happen to be experts on the city charter.
A little background: cities in Virginia depend on their charter in order to do, well, pretty much anything. They don’t have any authority of their own, only what the state gives them. A city’s charter is granted by the General Assembly and sets out the powers and functions that the city can exercise as well as how its government is organized–kind of like a mini constitution, but without all the “we the people” blah blah blah. Every ordinance the city adopts has to be consistent with both this charter and the general laws of the commonwealth.
All pretty straightforward and boring. So why does everyone suddenly care about it? Well, the McMansion Brigade discovered that it includes a section on zoning that sounds kind of anti-density, and now the entire membership of the Coalition for a Livable* Alexandria (*offer not valid for anyone born after 1968) has raging litigation boners.
During last week’s Planning Commission hearing, a submitted comment offered the argument that this section in the charter doesn’t authorize Zoning for Housing, an argument which the Alexandria Times then graciously reprinted in full. From there, this notion spread like wildfire on neighborhood listservs and other internet places where the city’s most grimly unhappy people like to hang out and terrify one another. According to these would-be Atticuses Finch, not only would incrementally up-zoning single-family neighborhoods exceed Alexandria’s authority under its charter, it would also violate city code, state law, federal statutes and regulations, the 14th Amendment, the Geneva Conventions, and Starfleet’s Prime Directive.
Some of these commenters (embarrassingly for them) are actual lawyers! Others however seem to merely have graduated with honors from the Dick Wolf School of Law. Friendly reminder: watching attorneys on TV does not somehow allow you to absorb their knowledge through the permeable membrane of your screen. This is the sort of misconception that leads to people to confidently develop disastrous legal takes, like the idea that the First Amendment protects your right to drunkenly threaten your ex on Facebook or that HIPPA [sic] prevents Dunkin’ Donuts from giving out free Munchkins to people who get a flu shot. Look, we know Suits was the trendy binge watch of the summer, but pretending to be a lawyer is actually a really bad idea (and will not get you a date with Meghan Markle).
It goes without saying—we are also not experts on the city charter! More importantly, nothing written in this newsletter constitutes legal advice, as Becky is not barred in Virginia and Jesse is just a tall doofus. But one thing we are qualified to do is read a document without stopping after the part that suits our preferred narrative. Yes, the charter says that City Council has the power to adopt zoning laws that “lessen congestion in streets,” “prevent the overcrowding of land,” “avoid undue concentration of population,” and other phrases that cause NIMBYs to salivate uncontrollably. However, there’s another section in the charter (§2.01, for those playing along at home) that says the city also has all of the other powers conferred on cities by the commonwealth, even if they’re not specifically listed in the charter, “and no enumeration of particular powers in this charter shall be held to be exclusive but shall be held to be in addition to this general grant of powers.” Ohhhh shit! You got enumerated, son! In turn, state law gives cities super broad discretion to adopt whatever zoning ordinances they want as long as they’re reasonable and consider various objectives. Those objectives include—will you look at that, what are the odds!—promoting economic development and creating affordable housing that meets both current and future needs.
Whew! That was a lot. If you’re still reading this, thank you for coming to our TED Talk 2L seminar on statutory construction. Long story short, if the integrity-loving commentariat decides to go forward with legal action on these grounds, their complaint will make about as much sense as a brief written by ChatGPT… but what the hell. Go ahead and try it! We have plenty of popcorn, and we love a good benchslap.
Things You May Have Missed Because You Have a Life
A local woman was featured on WTOP for competing in two ultramarathons and climbing three volcanoes after donating a kidney to her cousin. On the one hand, this is a heartwarming story of physical endurance and the triumph of the human spirit. On the other hand, how dare she make us feel like such lazy assholes.
Beatley Library is hosting a writing group for people participating in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). Good luck to all the aspiring writers out there on hitting 50,000 words! If you succeed, someday you, like Becky, could be living the dream as the proud author of multiple unpublished novels. We’re rooting for you.
In sad news that we missed because we
have a lifeare too busy being psychotically online about local housing policy and other civic issues, our local Golden Bachelor contestant has left the show. Apparently, part of the reason she bowed out was a stress fracture she suffered during the pickleball episode. Reached for comment, this newsletter’s resident pickleball expert said it’s “libelous” to blame her injury on pickleball and “trust him, he’s a lawyer now” because he read the first part of this newsletter.
Local Discourse Power Rankings
Don’t Zone Me Bro (Last week: 1). We sort of got into this up top—specifically regarding the explosion in
amicusamateur curiae related to the zoning proposals—but it has been a week in and around the local digital water cooler on the topic of zoning. Most distressingly, the median comment has been something along the lines of “I had no idea this was happening” and “I have had no opportunity to share my opinion about this with city leaders.” To which we say… what?! Like honest to god—what?! How! Tell us how. We legitimately demand to understand how there are people in this city that have arrived on the blessed 8th of blessed November having not previously encountered this topic. The city basically stopped one degree short of a public engagement plan that was like “Zoning for Housing Meeting #37: Broadway’s Lin-Manuel Miranda Has Written A Song About Our Zoning Changes and He’s Going to Perform It For You; Zoning for Housing Meeting #52: Karl Moritz Sits in the Front Seat of Your Car and Answers Your Questions.” You people need to get out more, we swear to god.
Is Our Children Learning (Last week: NR). No. No they are not learning. Why, might you ask? BECAUSE THEY HAVEN’T BEEN IN SCHOOL FOR A WEEK. And listen, we love teachers. Teachers are great and they need work days and time to meet with families–all of that, noted and acknowledged. But when all of that stuff also lines up with election days and federal holidays, I mean, throw us a bone here! Our kids were out of school long enough to get nearly all the way through their legal education (by which we mean five seasons of Ally McBeal on Hulu).
The
WashingtonAlexandria Capitals (Last week: NR). Over the weekend the Washington Post reported on negotiations between Monumental Sports (owners of the Capital, Wizards, Mystics, and some other things) and the District to fund desired upgrades that would keep them in their current home atMCI CenterVerizon CenterCapital One Arena. In a classic case of burying the lede, this report also noted that Monumental Sports leadership has been in conversations with officials in Virginia about relocating to a new arena in Potomac Yard!! Now before you rush out to buy your season tickets to [checks notes] the Capital City Go-Go, we would imagine there’s a high likelihood we’re merely being used as a stalking horse in what will ultimately prove to be a reconciliation between Monumental and DC. Nor can we sit here (“sit here” also being what hockey fans will do on Rt. 1 if we build this bad boy) and say with a straight face that this is our idea of the best and highest use of the tantalizing potential of the Potomac Yard site (which if you haven’t seen the very cool small area plan, check it out here). But with all that throat-clearing out of the way… hell yeah we want to take DC’s toys away from them! When they took our precious sailing ship away from us last summer we swore our retribution would be fierce and terrible, and that day of reckoning is finally nigh.
Alexandria, And Other Dense Things (Last week: NR). Over the course of the last week people—like real people, in public forums—have compared the city of Alexandria to: New York City, Hong Kong, Gaza, and the molten metal core of the Earth. Ok fine not that last one. But those other ones–those are real comparisons people made regarding how dense we would wind up being after these zoning changes! And while there is a proud literary tradition of using hyperbole in service of satire [Editor’s note: *coughs awkwardly*] we’re pretty sure that’s not actually what was intended here. It seems that some people genuinely think we are on the road to becoming New York City. And while us being New York City would be funny chiefly for pizza-related reasons [Editor’s note: *Becky glares murderously Jesse*] it would also mean that by the transitive property of metropolises Arlington is Newark, New Jersey.
Alexandria’s Hottest Club Is… Your Polling Place
Longtime readers of the newsletter will be familiar with our take on the frequency of voting in Virginia (TL;DR we’re basically Groundhog Day for the exercise of the franchise) but we come here today not to complain, but to celebrate. Tuesday was a great day at the polls for fans of basic rights, and a lousy day at the polls for people who haven’t yet realized their complexion doesn’t work with red fleece.
Our local delegation to Richmond got reelected handily, and will get to continue their great work alongside Democratic colleagues that now control both chambers of our legislature. Another local cause for celebration: turnout significantly exceeded expectations! 35% of registered voters in the city (that’s 40,000 people aka 0.5 of a Zoning Change) showed up, which is pretty amazing since these races were not particularly competitive. The only explanation is that we just love voting so darn much!!! Well, it’s either that or we really love stickers (and in fairness our “I Voted” stickers—while not as hardcore as that spider sticker that kid in New York made a few years back—are extremely dope).
Love for stickers aside, it is pretty wonderful to live in a place that has incredibly well-run polling locations year after year, election after election, thanks to the dedicated work of tireless volunteers that quite clearly deeply care about this process. Even the local party volunteers canvassing outside tend to be unfailingly friendly and eager, creating an overall atmosphere of people that really do care about this place, and want to bolster your energy to care as well.
So while it is always a little exhausting to realize that we’ll be doing this again in [checks calendar, cries a little bit] seven months, this is always a week that makes us feel proud of our civic community, our public servants, and yes, our stickers.
The Alexandria Times Quote of the Week
“Despite the significant impacts these [zoning] changes would impose, little has been written about them in the press.”
So we all agree that the Times is not “the press,” then? Glad that's settled.
We Get Letters
Subscriber Jesse O. writes in this week:
Is it true that I can write to ALXtra and you might publish my thoughts and opinions right here in the august pages* of this very newsletter?
Thank you so much for this timely note, reader! It is in fact true that you can write to us, and if your internet scribblings are generally smart and interesting we will enthusiastically share them with our ever-growing audience. So get to writing—our contact info can be found down below in the signature block.
(*not august, not actual pages)
One Awesome Thing in ALX
If the endless listserv zoning wars haven’t satisfied your need for over-the-top tragicomedic melodrama, you’re in luck: this weekend is the 17th annual installment of the Alexandria Film Festival! From Friday to Sunday, you can catch an array of films diverse in length, genre, and subject matter at Beatley Library, AMC Hoffman, and the Lyceum. Many screenings will be followed by Q&A sessions with actors and directors, so cinephiles should start prepping your most annoying “more of a comment than a question” rant about how Paul Thomas Anderson is more talented than Scorsese. You can buy tickets to “showcases” (blocks of films organized around a theme) or the whole shebang. However, the Friday afternoon screenings of short films made by students are free! The purpose of this is to teach the students that they won’t make any money as independent filmmakers and if financial stability is important to them they should start working on their business school transfer applications now.
Now, you might be wondering whether the movies at the Alexandria Film Festival are about local issues. Perhaps you’re imagining being subjected to a lovingly and painstakingly made biopic chronicling the life story of every tree in the city, or a horror movie about road diets called “The Narrowing.” Not to fear! The festival kicks off with a short documentary about America’s 5,000 professional cow hoof trimmers. Other films sure to distract you from our parochial squabbles include a French-Canadian drama about seasonal migrant workers, full-length documentaries about African students at MIT and feral cats in Chicago, an art heist thriller, and an edge-of-your-seat nailbiter true story about the quest to make the world’s largest stained glass window. The short film about a woman who “faces a new and harsh reality when she is pressured to eat a slice of apple pie that she does not want to eat” couldn’t have less to do with us (we never don’t want to eat pie). Finally, there are a few films about segregation and housing discrimination that have absolutely nothing to do with Alexandria–nope, totally different, no lessons to be learned whatsoever. Pure escapism!
All in all, it sounds like a fun change from our usual trips to the AMC Hoffman theater, which typically involve a discordant chorus of children sobbing “Why is it so loud?” as soon as the Dolby Surround Sound promo starts. This is going to be much more highbrow. In fact, we’ve never been to Cannes, but we assume this festival is going to be exactly like that. So who’s going to get a 27-minute standing ovation? Which film will generate a “Don’t Worry Darling” level of behind-the-scenes drama? What color polo shirt is Mayor Wilson going to wear on the red carpet? Hit up a screening this weekend to find out!
You can follow Becky @beckyhammer.bsky.social and Jesse @oconnell.bsky.social on Bluesky, or you can e-mail us anytime at alxtranewsletter@gmail.com.