Commercial Break

A few weeks ago in his Tolstoyan monthly newsletter the mayor shared some data that elicited a jump-scare style reaction even among those of us already aware of the underlying situation, and we’ve been meaning to talk about it ever since. He pointed out that of the $856.4 million the city will bring in this year, 62% of those funds will come in through the real estate tax. And of that 62%, 81% of it will come from residential sources. As if the numbers themselves aren’t startling enough, he also went on to point out that the trend is even worse–20 years ago barely more than 50% of the city budget was supported by the real estate tax, and only 70% of that was residential. We’re no J. Robert Oppenheimer but we’re pretty sure that math just won’t math! Residents can’t keep shouldering an increasing financial burden—it’s not sustainable. We’ve talked a lot over the past year about affordability for people who live in Alexandria, and this trend is very much part of that conversation.

Alexandrians attempting to exist.

It’s simply our current observable reality that something needs to radically change in our revenue mix if we want to continue doing the things our community has prioritized doing. That’s because even as the revenue responsibility has shifted more onto residential sources, our overall set of obligations has grown and continues to grow. We’ve given much-deserved raises to our police and firefighters, and to our city staff and transit workers. Taking care of our teachers will come next, as we tackle a long-anticipated collective bargaining process with their union. This is all fantastic, to be clear. We should want to be a place that values public service and can keep the talent we have by paying that talent what it’s worth. The challenge comes when we do this alongside all the other priorities we also have to tackle (like stormwater infrastructure) in addition to the other initiatives we pursue because they let us be the best version of what a city can be (like fare-free buses).

We continue to be a little amazed really that this fundamental budget truth is still more or less flying under the radar in local discussions. We have a ton of important shit to pay for but a radically curtailed set of tools to pay with. We have a revenue problem. We do! And we should just admit it! And the time to tackle that problem is not after we find ourselves in a crisis, but rather now—when we can plan and pursue and implement new opportunities. Opportunities like development in Potomac Yard, sure—but also beyond that, finding more and other ways to grow our commercial tax base across the entire city. 

But, like, non-sarcastically for once.

The big issues of the past year have seemingly dislodged from the forefront of our collective consciousness the progress of the Landmark project, and what that means for the western half of the city. We shouldn’t wait for that to be finished and done before we start to work on how other pockets of vibrancy and commercial activity can be linked to that effort and seeded into neighborhoods across the West End like an archipelago of shops, restaurants, and town squares. Just as Old Town links to Del Ray links to Potomac Yard in our eastern half, we need to foster walkable connected areas of commercial activation in other parts of the city, and not leave small isolated islands fighting to make it on their own.

Our point, inasmuch as we have one [Editor’s note: to be fair, do we ever?], is that we can’t just ignore this issue and hope it goes away. Saying no is not an option—the status quo is not an option. So as we debate different proposals and weigh the impact and trade-offs inherent in such, try and remember: we’re here to chew bubble gum and pay the city’s bills and we’re about to be fresh out of goddamn bubble gum. 

Things You May Have Missed Because You Have a Life 

• Virginia Tech announced that its Potomac Yard campus won’t open until next year due to supply chain issues, which have also affected the timeline of other local projects. Commenters, what’s the next big thing in Alexandria that will be held up due to delays in the production and delivery of critical materials? Wrong answers only!

• Our long national local nightmare is finally over and Alexandria’s very own Tatte is set to open next week, restoring our street cred and respectability among people who use the word “summer” as a verb.

• Gadsby’s Tavern is hosting an 18th century game night on Friday, which we can only assume will highlight classic high-octane diversions from that era like “drink water that won’t kill you in seven days from dysentery” and “try to remember the names of all sixteen of your siblings” and “chess.”

• Speaking of historical accuracy, the George Washington Legacy Foundation is holding an essay competition for 7th and 8th graders on “George Washington’s involvement with Alexandria.” Since we’re ineligible to participate, here are some free ideas: “Democracy and Syphilis: George’s Lasting Legacies,” “Why Does That Guy in the Parade Look Nothing Like Me?” (written in character, obviously), or how about “Vinyl Windows Can Get Fucked: Why Washington Would Support the BAR’s Design Standards.”

He’ll save children, but not the British children.

Local Discourse Power Rankings

1. Don’t Zone Me Bro (Last week: NR). Welp, the Coalition for a Livable* Alexandria (*offer not valid after 1793) filed its inevitable lawsuit against the city’s zoning changes yesterday. We don’t have access to the full complaint but insider sources tell us it’s just 17 pages of pictures of babies crying. Meanwhile, the coalition’s website has been updated to announce “CLA board supports homeowner legal challenges to Zoining [sic] for Housing” next to a button where you can donate to help the landed gentry pay their lawyers, a compelling fundraising appeal if we’ve ever heard one. Since we don’t have access to any other information that would allow us to determine exactly how frivolous this lawsuit is on a scale from 1-10 we’ll just be over here saying “zoining!” repeatedly until more details are forthcoming. Watch this space for updates. ZOINING!

2. Not In My Potomac Yard (Last week: 1). A couple fun things this week as local opponents of the stadium continued to win hearts and minds do everything in their power to alienate absolutely anyone that might otherwise consider aligning with them. First, the deftly-named Coalition to Stop the Arena at Potomac Yard (CSAPY? CTSTAAPY? [hissing sound a cat makes]?) sent out an email action alert that described Del. Elizabeth Bennet-Parker as “useless but a vote” and Sen. Adam Ebbin as “conducting a poll to see if he can vote for this” and another senior Dem delegate as “I had a testy call with him” and listen we’re not claiming we’re the experts in how to make friends and influence people but it’s definitely not fucking like that. Second, on the local listserv some genius Budget Knowers started floating the idea that Alexandria should send money to the District to help them keep the teams there, to which we say what?? Literally, WHAT!?! Let us get this straight: your plan is to 1) Take Alexandria tax revenue 2) Give it to our kid sibling city across the river in exchange for nothing 3) ??? 4) Profit. That’s the plan? That’s the whole entire plan? Get the fuck out of here.

3. Three’s Company (Last week: NR). Big news in the race for mayor as local developer and Republican donor Pete Steverson announced that he’s entering the race. A prominent regional developer, Pete Steverson last made local news for opposing the construction of six (6) townhouses near his home in Old Town. Citing “smart growth” as his reason for running, all of us here at ALXtra wish Pete Steverson the best of luc-[puts finger to ear] hang on, his name is what now? Steve Peterson? That’s ridiculous, that can’t be right.

4. Is Our Children Learning (Last week: 2). We’ve finally done it Alexandria! You asked, you begged, you pleaded, you prayed and at long last our public schools finally have a second comprehensive high school a new logo a plan to maybe have a new logo someday. That’s right, despite being presented with the compelling choice of picking between a pencil police badge logo or Strongbad in a police hat logo last night the school board voted to select… neither. And in their defense, it was never entirely clear to us if the recommended logo was meant to represent the “pencil police” (a law enforcement agency empowered to ensure that only No. 2s are used on standardized tests) or the Pencil Police (a force of anthropomorphized writing implements acting as armed agents of the state) and that’s to say nothing about that other horrifying technicolor Rorschach-test logo. That all being said… we’re going to do this all over again?? In their infinite wisdom the school board decided that the priority here was to spend MORE time working on and debating what the right logo is!? No! No, that should never be the priority! The priority should obviously be ensuring that no ACPS student ever goes to school for a full five-day week between January 1 and March 1! Get it together people, keep your eye on the ball!

5. You Idiots Are Doing This Road Wrong (Last week: 3). So it finally snowed is currently snowing around these parts, and it’s been long enough that we entirely forgot how annoying local social media can get when the roads are slippery. Just endless critiques from transplanted Midwesterners being all “back in my hometown of Frostbitten Dick, Michigan we wouldn’t even put the chains on the tires ‘til there was a good 18 inches on the ground!” and fine, we get it. You know how to steer into a skid, and you keep 30 pounds of ice melt in your trunk, and you can demonstrate how you need to rock your way out of that slick spot you’re spinning in, all great, good for you. But know this—the smug superiority about your current roadway mastery will be fleeting, because while you may have grown up navigating slippery roads, the rest of us came of age around far, far more dangerous road conditions. And ultimately the snow will be plowed, the ice will melt… but Maryland drivers are around forever.

Alexandria’s Hottest Club Is… A Snow Day

Alexandria finally got is getting our first real snow in two years and we are so back. Okay, so neither Tuesday’s storm nor today’s qualifies as a blizzard, but given that the planet is feeling less and less “Baby It’s Cold Outside” and getting increasingly “Hot in Herre” we’re not in any position to be picky. [Editor’s note: This reference is not intended as encouragement to take off all your clothes. It would be unwise to “let it all hang out” in this weather even if you’re home alone, dancing in front of the mirror while you’re on the phone. Many houses in this area are poorly insulated and hypothermia is no laughing matter!]

So anyway, two loooong years! It’s been a minute since we last experienced the heady endorphin rush of seeing OPM’s “operating status: closed” graphic pop up in our timelines, and it still felt good in a nostalgic kind of way to experience that on Monday night even though everyone can just telework now. ACPS even did its part to make this a positive experience by announcing in advance that there would be no school and giving the kids “traditional snow days” instead of mass-triggering everyone’s pandemic PTSD by making them do virtual learning. 

Alexandrians took advantage of these conditions in all their favorite ways: sledding down the steepest corner of their neighborhood park until it turned into a disgusting mud pit, walking their dogs around the block to pee on all the snow-covered leaf piles that still haven’t been picked up, spending thirty minutes clearing snow off their cars (except the roof, lol, who has time to do that? It’s only a brief simple task that could literally avoid killing someone, boringgg!!!) so they could drive to Aldi because they forgot to buy hot cocoa mix and their families were threatening to riot. You know, all the classic activities. 

And they posted pictures! So many pictures. One immediate takeaway from everyone’s Facebook photo galleries was that this snowstorm gave Alexandria a head start in the running for next year’s “most Christmassy towns” lists.

Also, why does the snow create such an eerie back-in-time effect? Just look at these pictures, they could have been taken centuries ago. They’re disorienting us. What year is it? Who’s the president king? How do we suddenly know all the words to “The Rich Lady Over the Sea” and why do we have so many opinions about the Stamp Act?

Back in the present day, the streets were pretty deserted while the snow was still falling, giving folks a great opportunity to take a quiet solitary walk and contemplate with no interruptions whether the name of this cafe is really Gostov or Gustave and what exactly is going on with that.

Meanwhile, the award for “least excited about this meteorological development” went to the Commonwealth Avenue cactus.

And of course, after the snow stops it’s time to shovel out. Maybe if Zoning for Housing had been debated in the dead of winter more people would have supported it (alternate yard sign slogan: “More neighbors, shorter length of sidewalk for which you are legally responsible”). But seriously, so many folks were out on Tuesday shoveling not only their own properties but their neighbors’ too, often without being asked. Because that’s the kind of community we are. More friends, indeed.

The Alexandria Times Quote of the Week

“Alexandria’s stated goal through Vision Zero is to eliminate all deaths and severe injuries related to traffic by 2028. Do our city leaders honestly expect to further this goal by allowing unhelmeted e-scooter riders going 15 miles per hour to share city streets with 4,000 pound vehicles?”

Wow, you’re right. We should probably get rid of the 4,000 pound vehicles. They sound dangerous!

We Get Letters

We received a delightful dialectal (though not dialectical) inquiry this week from an anonymous reader:

Hello! I recently came across the results of a 2003 survey of North American English dialects and wish to assert that “whipping shitties” is a far superior way to describe driving fast in a tight circle than “doing cookies.” I am neutral towards “doing donuts” because I do need a profanity-free term. A short story to illustrate this need: While at my parents’ house in December, we had some freezing rain overnight and my brother, after checking I would agree to it, suggested to my niece (learner’s permit) that we take their minivan to an empty parking lot to get a feel for icy conditions. I was delighted to pass on the tradition of whipping shitties in that particular parking lot. But it was surprisingly hard to do in the swagger wagon, although she was a little timid on the pedal. I’m sure I could have done it if I tried, but I live in Alexandria and I cannot afford to buy my brother a new minivan. Anyway, when we got back to the house I reported to my parents, her parents, and her younger siblings that she had a good lesson and almost whipped a shittie did a donut. Also, I associate whipping shitties with an icy surface to initiate a fishtail and not necessarily leaving tire marks on pavement. What is your ranking of the survey choices and, since there seems to be a concentration of “other” along the Northeast Corridor, what do the “long-time residents” say?

P.S. I am team Pi Day on March 14, celebrated by eating something circular, such as pie.

First of all, thank you for this. This is exactly the kind of missive we dreamed of receiving when we launched this newsletter. Second, the maps in the dialect survey indicate that this term originated in the upper Midwest, which tracks because we can vividly imagine the characters from Fargo saying this in their outrageous accents. What say you, readers? Bonus question: what the fuck do you call this? If you answered anything other than “I have never heard of this game and have no idea what it's called,” we have follow-up questions.

One Awesome Thing in ALX

For a city of our size [Editor’s note: population 158,309], Alexandria has produced a pretty impressive number of famous musicians. However, only one of them has been described by Pitchfork as “part Brigitte Bardot, part Colombian baddie,” a woman who exists in a “universe of knife-sharp stilettos and dramatic cat eyeliner” where “days are spent plotting exes’ murders, or sipping tea in lingerie and a feather-trim robe.” Her name is Kali Uchis.

Her fourth album dropped last week to rave reviews, she’s won several major music industry awards (including a Grammy), her 2020 song “Telepatía” went TikTok viral and has been streamed literally a billion times on Spotify, yet in our opinion she still doesn’t get enough love from her hometown. Kali Uchis was born Karly-Marina Loaiza and grew up splitting her time between Alexandria and her father’s home of Pereira in Colombian coffee country. She graduated from ACHS and recorded her first mixtape in an apartment in Old Town. She further cemented her ALX cred by briefly living out of a Subaru Forester when her parents kicked her out of the house. She’s one of us!

 Over the course of her career Kali has alternated between releasing albums in (mostly) English and (mostly) Spanish, but her lyrics blur the boundaries between the two languages in a way that feels really cheeky and fresh. The new one, Orquídeas, is (mostly) in Spanish, but you don’t need to be bilingual to understand that her music is a whole vibe. One review called it a “resplendent” album full of songs “designed to play in the background while you bathe in a clawfoot tub full of milk and rose petals,” which is exactly what people in this city need to spend more time doing instead of getting worked up about [insert latest local controversy here]. 

Aside from the songs themselves being lush, shimmering grooves, it’s also exciting to see Kali pulling some big-name Latin music guest collaborators on this album: Karol G, Rauw Alejandro, and even mulleted corrido prince Peso Pluma. Now we just need Kali to work with Bad Bunny on her next project, and then honor her roots by doing joint press events in her hometown with Bad Bunny, and then invite local newsletter writers to meet Bad Bu– [Jesse gently removes Becky’s hands from the keyboard]. Anyway, give the album a listen this weekend if you haven’t yet. It’s great!

You can follow Becky @beckyhammer.bsky.social and Jesse @oconnell.bsky.social on Bluesky, or you can e-mail us anytime at alxtranewsletter@gmail.com.